Empty but full (cheesiness free of charge)

God – please,

I want YOU.

I need you,

not just laws and dogmas about you.

I need you.

Someone who will walk with me

challenge me. Through all the confusion,

a With-Me-God.

And REALLY,

really, I know you ARE

a someONE.

A someONE who love me enough

to push me.” (excerpt from Good Old Plastic Jesus, by Earnest Larsen)

I read this yesterday, 2 weeks to late, but better late than never, right? Normally I cook for 65 people, but the last 2 weeks I have been cooking for 125 people. This poem puts words to the cry of my heart 2 weeks ago. I laughed yesterday, at how accurate this is as to who God was for me amidst it all. There werre so many days where I felt empty and incapable and God pulled through. I’ll be straight up, I did not have set aside, intentional quiet times for 2 weeks. You read correct. I am a missionary, and I did not have quite time (*cue religious gasps*). Now hear me out, I absolutely believe intentional, carved out quiet times are so so edifying and aim to incorporate them into my life. But sometimes, life happens, and there are 125 mouths to feed, or whatever your life entails, and it takes everything you have simply to get practical things done, that you just really need a break and choose to sleep an extra hour for 14 days in a row. Yup, that happened. And you know what? Though I didn’t have the specific “quiet time”, I got to commune with God through it all. Yup, He met me right where I was at, and loved me just the same.

One afternoon during a rare shard of spare time I was sitting outside looking at the mountains and praying. And all that came out was “God, You are SO good.” And part of me cringes saying that, because it just seems like the cheesiest Christian thing to say amidst challenging circumstanced. But that’s all I could say, because amidst everything, the skipped devotions and lack of relationality and simply getting things done, God met me and gave me strength to carry through.

This was one of the most challenging 2 weeks of my entire life, I think, but in a way I’m kind of sad it’s over, because amidst it I found myself pressing into God even more so.

I was released from the kitchen this morning to sit in on a teaching, and one thing the speaker talked about is how fruit trees don’t strive to produce fruit of their own strength, but simply open their roots to drink living water and open their branches to the Light and voila, fruit happens. And I was like, where was this analogy 2 weeks ago? Haha, because it was so cool how I felt so empty and like I had nothing to give and yet God moved through me – isn’t it awesome that He invites us to be part of His plan, like moving through me even when He could do it on His own.

Anyway, I’ve lost track of where I was going with this, but there’s a glimpse into my life and what I’m learning about. Thanks for praying for grace over the last few weeks – your prayers are so so sweet to my soul.

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